Carry On (i'll Be Right Behind You)
by onceuponahungergames
Summary: Post 3x07: Clarke has trouble coping, so someone steps up to help her. Or: i can't believe i'm writing this because that bullshit actually happened.
I'm numb. Physically and emotionally numb. I stare at the ground below my feet. I don't have the strength to move from my spot on the floor of my room in the Ark. Yeah, I'm back here. I didn't really put up a fight to be brought back either. Like I said, _I'm numb_. All I can remember is Octavia and Murphy talking about how they were going to get me on a horse or something and then I found myself where I'm sitting now.

According to my mother, it's been weeks since I've returned and all I've done is eat, sleep, and repeat. I don't really remember eating anything since that day. I don't really remember anything since _that day_.

The memories come back every day. And every day, I'm left with tingling lips, hot skin, and a goddamn broken heart. Oh, and the anger. It starts with the visual of her reacting to the bullet piercing her body. She was ripped away from me. By someone she trusted because he wanted to kill me. She died because of _me_.

One day, I vaguely remember being so enraged, I punched one of those ugly, gray, metal walls of the Ark. The knuckles in both of my hands were broken and my mom gave me an earful, but it was just background noise.

All I hear now is her. Her first words to me, her telling me about Costia, her letting me know I was safe, her apologizing for the Mountain, her swearing fealty to me, her whispering my name like it was a prayer, her last words.

Suddenly, someone is pulling me on to my feet and dragging me out of my room. My legs move on instinct, but I don't want to go anywhere in this damn camp. If I'm not alone, I might kill someone. I try struggling against them, but they pull me harder down the hallway. Eventually, we enter a bedroom. The person turns around and puts their hands on my cheeks.

I know the person is saying my name and trying to get my attention, but I can't look at them. I haven't looked at another person in weeks. But then, another thought pushes its way through my brain. How dare someone touch me like that? In the way that she did? I tear the hands off of me.

Then, a searing pain comes across my face and I stumble backward. The person whose hands were on my face just slapped me. Fucking slapped me. My blood begins to boil and I feel that familiar fire in my chest ignite. I finally look at the person who had the guts to lay their hands on the _Great Wanheda_.

"If it takes that much for you to finally come back to the land of the living, we have a problem, Clarke." Octavia's voice is the first one I've clearly heard since I've been here. I take in my surroundings. We are in a bedroom. It's dimly lit with the window being the only source of light. It must be sundown.

"What do you want from me?" I rasp, my first words in weeks. Octavia seems shocked that I'm even speaking to her, but regains her composure. "We need to talk."

"About what?" I question. "There's nothing to say." She shakes her head. "No, Clarke, you do not get to write me off. You do not get to keep acting sorry for yourself. You need to move on."

My head snaps in her direction. "Move on," I growl. "I need to move on."

She stands her ground. "Either move on and become you've started to turn in to," her expression softens, "or let me help you move on."

"And what the fuck do you mean by helping me move on." I almost punch her then, but I hear a voice telling me to listen. _Listen to her, Clarke_. _Let her help you_.

She lets go a breath; it sounds like she's been holding it for ages. "Talk to me," she says. "I want you to tell me everything."

"What exactly is 'everything'?"

"Everything she made you feel." My heart sinks. "Everything she did for you." My eyes fill with unshed tears. "Clarke," she takes my hand. "Please let me help you."

In that moment, I become undone. My body is racked with sobs and Octavia brings me to the bed. We sit down and she holds me to her as I let my emotions go. Her hands rub my back. "I miss her," I cry. "I miss her. I miss her…"

I can feel Octavia's silent tears drop on my shoulder. "I miss her too," she sniffs.

It takes a while until I find the strength to speak again. By this time, the tears just fall from my eyes without hesitation. "At first, I thought she wasn't going to stop until all of us were dead." I let out a humorless laugh. "She was just doing what was right for her people."

"Wasn't that your excuse to her all the time?" I raise my eyebrow to Octavia. "You know, 'I'm only staying because it's for my people' and 'I only came to see you fight because it's for my people'?"

I stare at her. I know she's joking but I just can't respond. "Shit, Clarke, I'm…dammit, I'm sorry. You weren't ready for that. I'm-" "It's fine," I interrupt. "I know you're trying to help, but I don't think I'm there yet."

"I understand," she nods her head. "Tell me other things about her."

I take a deep breath and start from the beginning. I tell her about our first meeting, my instant attraction to her, how I felt when she watched me kill Finn, when she told me about Costia. "She said love is weakness." I start shaking again. "She was goddamn right."

Octavia holds me tighter as another wave of tears starts. "Tell me more," she whispers into my hair. "Tell me what happened after that."

I swallow my sobs as I begin again. I tell her about the fight with the pauna, the drama with the missile attack on Ton DC, the spontaneous first kiss. "Oh God, Clarke," she groans. "I knew you guys were hot for each other." I crack a small smile, and Octavia grins. "See, there you are."

I tell her how broken and betrayed I was after she left me at Mount Weather. I tell her how much I wanted revenge. I tell her how much I wanted her dead. I shake my head at how wrong that sounds coming from my lips now. "Looking back on it, I don't think I wanted her dead," I mumble. "I just wanted her to feel the same pain I felt."

Finally, I get to the parts of the story after Roan brought me to Polis. Octavia seems incredibly interested in the fight between she and Roan, and how she continued to be a badass bitch and spear the Ice Queen like a fish.

"Your eyes light up when you talk about her," she cuts in. "It's nice to see you like that." I have to look away from her. Knowing what comes after this is too fresh. "Hey," she pulls me out of my thoughts. "You can do this."

"I drew her while she was sleeping," I blurt out. She smiles a little. "That's the sappiest thing I've ever heard." I sigh. "She was so beautiful when she slept. She was finally peaceful."

I tell Octavia about Emerson, how she was proud of my decision. I stop for a few minutes. I can tell that Octavia knows what's coming next and that she'll wait as long as possible until I'm ready. She goes to turn on a lamp next to the bed since the sun has gone down outside, then I start again.

"The day you came to Polis, I knew something big was gonna happen, I just didn't know what. She asked me to stay with her, and, God knows, I wanted to. With every fiber of my being I wanted to. But, our people came first.

"When I was ready to leave, I went to see her and tell her that I couldn't stay, but she knew. She knew. She said that why I'm me, but that's not what she wanted to say. I wanted her to say it. I wanted to say it right back to her."

"What was it, Clarke?" Octavia asks. I take breath and answer, "She wanted to say that she loved me."

Octavia's hold on me goes slack. "Oh God," I hear her whisper. "Then I kissed her." I continue. "It was one of the most beautiful moments of my life. Her lips fit with mine like they were puzzle pieces. I never wanted to stop kissing her.

"Her eyes, God, those eyes. They conveyed all of the love and caring I've ever seen. And it was all for me." I stop. It's getting too hard now. I don't know if I can finish this. Octavia's hand finds mine and squeezes. "Keep going," she ushers.

"We made love, Octavia," I whimper, the warmth of that moment swimming under my skin. "She held me like I was her lifeline. She made me feel safe. She made me feel loved.

"Then everything went to shit." My voice falters as I feel the rage again. "I couldn't save her. She was shot because of me and I couldn't save her." Octavia holds me tighter again. "She's dead because I failed her."

Octavia pulls away slightly so she can look me in the eyes. "Don't for one second think that you failed her." "I did-" "Don't interrupt me, Clarke. This is very important for you to hear." I shut my mouth and find her eyes.

"You did everything you possibly could have done for her. There wasn't any way you could've done more. Please, Clarke, you need to stop beating yourself up for this one. She is not your death."

I break again. Octavia puts my head on her shoulder and I cry until I've run out of tears to shed. "I love her," I mumble into her shirt. "I know you do," she says. "And you will see her again."

I pull back from her. "How do you know that?"

She shrugs. "Some of that City of Light bullshit is kind of resonating with me. Makes me believe that when we do die, we're gonna see our loved ones again."

"I'm not taking that fucking chip," I grumble. She laughs. "I'm not either. It's just something nice to think about though."

"Yeah, it is," I agree. Out of nowhere, a question hits me. "Octavia, why did you want to help me?"

She looks away from me and swallows. "I, uh, I had a dream."

"Of?"

"She told me to help you." I stop breathing. "She didn't want to see you suffer any more."

I don't know what to say. I just stare at her. She shifts awkwardly under my gaze. "Is she happy?" I break the silence. Octavia's tear-filled eyes meet mine. "Yes," she croaks. "But she wishes you were with her."

"I will be," I answer with conviction. "She said not to get there until you absolutely have to," she goes on. "She said to live your life as you would if she was still here."

I shake my head. "I can't do that," my voice breaks. "She is whom I woke up for. She is whom I fought so hard for. She is _my life_ , Octavia."

She brings her hand to my cheek again. "Then live your life to make her proud."

She lays me down on the bed and covers me with a blanket. "Go to sleep, Clarke. I'll be right here."

I don't know when I finally fall asleep, but, when I do, it feels so much different. I finally dream again. All I've had for months and months is horrible nightmares of the Mountain and such recent events. But tonight, I have a dream.

I'm walking in a grassy field filled with different kinds of flowers surrounding me. There's a forest ahead of me with trees as tall as the Polis tower. The sky is a gorgeous blue with puffy clouds emerging from the horizon. The warm sun beats down on my skin. For the first time in a long time, I feel _good_.

"Hello, Clarke."

No fucking way. I turn around and I see her. She looks exactly the same from the last time I saw her. She looks absolutely stunning.

"Lexa…" I mumble. "I love you."

"I love you, too," she smiles the biggest smile.

I can feel tears forming again. "I don't wanna wake up."

"You have to, my love. Like Octavia said, live your life and make me proud." A tear escapes her eye. "You always make me proud, Clarke." She wipes her eyes. "And I love you so much."

I run into her embrace and hold her. She circles my midsection with her strong arms and rests her head on my shoulder. "I devote my life to you, Leksa kom Trikru," I whisper. She raises her head to look at me. "I will live my days so that when I come home to you, you will be proud to say that you love me. You are my world. You are my sun. You are my stars."

I tilt my chin up so my lips to brush against hers. "You are my entire universe."

* * *

i came here to have a good time but honestly i'm feeling so attacked right now.

-juju 3

p.s. #LexaDeservedBetter #ClexaKru


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